Post-Valentine’s Day: Survival of the Fittest

Yesterday morning, as my alarm went off, I realized that it was the day that I was hating to face.

Valentine’s Day – barf! Don’t get me wrong. I love “love” …when I’m in love. But, those are the key words – “when I’m in love”. This year, I wasn’t. This year, I didn’t have a Valentine. And, truth of the matter is- that SUCKS.

Now, you all may say that it doesn’t matter whether you have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. Some of you may say the holiday is over-rated, others may say that it’s a commercialized day that makes people spend their money for no reason, and yet, more people might say that Valentine’s Day should be every day and it’s also a day to share your love for your family and friends. My opinion – there’s nothing wrong with dedicating a day when everyone in the world shows their significant other how much they mean to them. I think it’s a wonderful concept and would feel even greater if I had someone from which to share the day.

All of you who are in happy relationships and spent the day showering the person you love – applause. All of you who spent yesterday feeling miserable, depressed, unloved, etc. – I feel your pain. I must admit, I hit my level of weakness as well. I got up in the morning, slow-moving. I walked around my office feeling lousy, depressed, not wanting to be bothered by anyone, feeling sorry for myself that there was no one out there (besides my family members) who loved me, reminisced about the loser guys that I’ve dated, and just got annoyed by the continuous slap in my face by Facebook, commericals, spam mail, etc. that I was single.

For those who follow my blog, I usually am very confident about my “singledom”, but Valentine’s Day makes it seem like you’re a loser if you’re not going out on a date, if someone doesn’t send you long-stem, red roses, or if you don’t have that special someone from which you can spend one-on-one intimate time. You feel left out. And, there’s no hiding the fact that feeling left out isn’t fun.

With all of that being said, Valentine’s Day really made me think about my current relationships, if you want to call them that: the guy that I’m dating, and the guy that I want to date. *sigh*

The guy I’m currently dating: I guess I’m dating him. He tried to make a last-minute date with me this past weekend before he left for a last-minute trip to Spain yesterday. Long story short; I wasn’t available on the day that he wanted to go out so, therefore, I was pissed. I was pissed because I would have enjoyed going on a date with him because we had to cancel our date the previous weekend. I was pissed because he didn’t tell me he was going to Spain for two weeks until this weekend. I was pissed that I wasn’t getting the attention that I need from him.

It’s my own fault. Entering this “relationship,” I knew that he really wasn’t ever going to be “the one” for me, but I figured I’d keep him around anyway…just in case. Problem is (which happens with me all the time!) I can’t just keep someone around, I get caught up and somehow I act like he’s my boyfriend. Second problem is he probably wants a casual relationship; no pressure, just to take each day as it is. Secretly, I wanted to spend my Valentine’s Day with him simply because he was my only option. Secretly, I want a boyfriend and I know he’s not the boyfriend for me.

The guy I want to date: Loyal readers know who I want to date. And, no matter how hard I try to deny it, even if he denies me, I still want to be with him. In fact, I told my mother this weekend that he’s going to be my husband; I just have a feeling. Am I going crazy? Ha! *ugh* He is the only guy that I speak to on a regular basis, practically everyday either via text, email or phone calls. But, he lives 2 hours away and he’s made it known that he’s not sure if he can do a long-distance relationship. That could be seen by most as a rejection. But, my heart won’t let him go. I want to tell myself to snap out of it, but it’s not that easy, folks. He sent me a text yesterday, as he always does: Happy Valentine’s Day :-* ….If only that kiss could be in person.

If I’m being honest with myself, then I know that I’m head over heels for him – I can’t even describe in words everything I feel for him, from his genuine kindness to others, to his humor, to his looks, to his confidence, to his focus on his education and career, etc. If I’m trying to be strong and think with my brain, instead of my heart, then I know that I need to let that go until he makes a move. My mother said one thing to me that really stayed in my head, “But, does he love you?” Well, that’s TBD. lol

To summarize this sorrow party of a blog post, I’m in a weird state of mind. And, I have a right to feel sorry for myself, right? An otherwise confident blogger is allowed at least one depressing post a month. I don’t know what to do with these two men in my life. The thought of it is actually making my brain hurt. Thanks, Valentine’s Day, for making my love life that much more complicated. Instead of spending Valentine’s Day to think of my current relationship status, I should have treated myself to get my nails done and gulped down a bottle of wine to rid me of my sorrows. Womp womp… I need to get out more! Ha!

And, to make my day even more depressing yesterday. I got a $50 ticket for having an old registration ticket on my vehicle. The new registration was in my glove department; I had been lazy sticking the stupid thing on my windshield. *sigh*

Have you noticed how many sighs I’ve had in this blog post?

Anyway, I’m asking all of the single ladies and single men to help put a smile on my face and share with me how you spent your Valentine’s Day. Hopefully, you spent it better than I spent mine. I’m soooo looking forward to your comments.

Disappointments … a Blessing in Disguise?

An update.

For those of you who have been following my blog, you should remember me speaking about a certain someone I had re-connected with recently. A long-time  friend of mine had brought to my attention that he still had feelings for me and wanted to see if anything could develop between the two of us.

To update my new readers, that was a little over 3 months ago. Since then, we’ve been speaking on the phone and texting every day. We had developed a routine where he would send “Good morning” texts each day to me and he’d be sure to call me each night before going to sleep – this was all him. Familiar memories and feelings that were buried began to surface and we both (I thought) were going towards the direction of us entering a relationship. I was on Cloud 9; it was like a fairy-tale.

Well, I was wrong.

One day last week, as he sent me sweet text messages to help me get through my crazy workday, I decided I would ask him straight out where “this” was going. This, meaning “us” … and if there really was a potential for “us.”

You see, he lives a couple of hours away and during the few months that we’ve been reconnecting, he hasn’t made an effort to come see me -  although yes, he’s working on his Master’s, he has a very busy job, and his sister was in and out of the hospital. And, we really hadn’t had a real date – although it had been discussed over and over again that we’d do it “soon.” In my opinion, we were just taking this slow and treading on careful grounds; we wanted to make sure our friendship wasn’t ruined during this process.

Well, he slammed me with the fact that distance was an issue for him, and to make a long story short, he didn’t think he could do a long distance relationship.

Ummm, then what have we been doing over these last few months?

You’d think that would have come up in conversation, right? It has never been an issue for me simply because I’d be willing to work it out with him; I’d make weekend trips to see him because, in my mind, he was special enough for me to give it a try. Obviously, he thought otherwise.

I swear I will never understand men.

The process of trying to understand men is like a dead-end path, in my opinion. Of course, after this conversation, I curled into my feel-sorry-for-my-single-life-phase and felt miserable about the situation this entire weekend. I cried a few tears, stuffed my face with junk food, barricaded myself to my living room couch, and just stared into a daze and thought…tried to think about what could have went wrong.

Random thoughts entered my mind: Maybe this is an excuse and he really isn’t that into me; Maybe he met someone else and he’s trying to let me down easy; He must be lazy and I don’t need to be with a person like that anyway; I bet he’s a player, but why would you be a player to your friend?

After two days of that, I realized that there’s no need for me to try to figure it out. Obviously, this is his issue not mine.

It just sucks when you put your heart into something, which I always seem to do with each and every guy I feel there is potential with, and then it gets crushed… I guess this is life, right? Story of my life.

Anyway, I think I’m getting back to my normal self, realizing that he’s missing out – not me.  And, we still have our friendship, that’s what was most important to me going into whatever “that” was. He said to me that I will always be special to him and he’d never want to lose that … and that he wishes distance wasn’t an issue.

I cannot deny that he will remain a very special part of my life. We are still very close friends and maybe we will continue to talk each and every day, but I just hope that my feelings for him that resurfaced over these past 3 months will somehow find a way to bury themselves back under my heart and we can go on and keep our friendship strong.

See, although, most of my blog posts are strong and praise the fact that I’m single, I have my down days, too. But, it’s all a learning lesson.

I’ll leave you with something a friend of mine shared with me as I was in my stupor: Disappointments are just God’s way of saying, “I’ve got something better.” Be patient, live life, have faith.”

As Jay-Z would say…On to the next one!

Me + Him = Moving at a Snail’s Pace

Is it me, or does it seem like this venture with my friend is taking FOREVER?!

It was a difficult decision, but when I finally made up my mind about a month ago that I’d like to pursue a possible relationship with a close friend of mine, I got super-duper excited. I was so enthused in finding out what could be and I started imagining how cool it would be for us (who used to date several years ago) to get back together. Our friends would love it and it would truly be one of those weird, fairy-tale stories that you only see on movie screens.

Although I told myself that I wanted it to go slow because I wanted to make sure our friendship wouldn’t suffer, I am finding myself getting all caught up in the idea and now am wondering why things are moving so slow (well, in my mind it’s slow).

Point of the matter is, it’s his fault.

He keeps telling me all the things I want to hear: I’m beautiful, he’s always had feelings for me, I have a great personality, he can’t wait to see me and hang out with me, he’s looking forward to us having more one-on-one time. BUT, we’ve yet to spend quality time with each other.

I saw him for a little while over the weekend, but a family emergency stopped us from really spending that time with one another. And, now, I’m ready to mark in my planner for Date No. 2, but he’s moving slow. He hasn’t suggested anything and I don’t want to keep asking and seem like a crazy, psycho stalker.

Now, he does live a couple of hours away, and he does have a pretty important (and busy) job, and is working on his Master’s degree, so I’m sure that contributes to him not having a lot of time… I guess. But, I’m also hoping he’s not the kind of person that says one thing but acts another way (Ladies, you know those kind of guys I’m talking about). As friends, he’s never seemed that way, but now that we’re pursuing a “more than friends” relationship, could he be changing?

A guy friend of mine tells me to calm down and to stop analyzing things like “most women do.” But, what do you ladies think? Shouldn’t he be making a strong effort to pursue me, to impress me, to show me he’s interested? I mean he calls me everyday, but I’m not talking about words, I’m talking about actions.

Could “Sparks” Turn into an “Explosion”?

An interesting thought entered my mind recently when a long-time friend asked me if I thought there were any sparks left between myself and an old flame.

Funny. I had never really thought about it before with this particular guy. He and I have maintained a great friendship for a very long time, long after our days of “dating.” Ever since we both decided to part ways to enter another stage of our lives, I’ve  looked to him as a true friend who would always be there for me, always give me a call to check and see how I was doing, and always be there for celebratory times in my life. But, what if there was an opportunity there? What if there were still sparks left?

I’ve thought about this long and hard (and still am) and recent telephone calls and confrontations with him brought to my realization that there could really be something there.  What you may be looking for could be right in front of your eyes, right? Surprisingly to me, he said the “sparks” between us never “dimmed” for him (yes, those were his words) and that he has always thought that we’ve had a special relationship. I never even knew he thought that way.  Funny.

I can hear you all now saying, “That’s great news!!!” I agree; it is … but I’m hesitant. Even though he seems to have all the characteristics I could ever want in a man: chivalry, kindness, honesty, sociable, humor – a job- a love for his family, a good head on his shoulders – did I mention, a job?! (lol), I worry that our friendship may suffer if we decide to take it to the next level. BUT, it is also true that any good relationship is based on a great friendship and I can totally see myself with him – for a long time.

I’m torn.

While I’d like to pursue what could be, I want to be very careful that we don’t ruin our friendship. And, if we do pursue this, I’d want to take it slow and let whatever happens, happen organically. What do you all think about this, and have you ever been in this situation? Please share your stories.

Loving yourself first; it does a body – and mind – good.

It has been a focal point discussion in lifestyle magazine columns, radio and television talk shows and other forms of media, but still seems to haunt women – and men, too.

I’m talking about “settling” when it comes to relationships.

Yes, I am guilty (sigh). The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? (laugh out loud, go ahead)

Many women, like me, have asked themselves “What if…” What if, he has changed and now a relationship will work between us? What if I change to make this relationship work better? (And, as our biological clocks begin ticking)… What if I just deal with the situation? I’m not getting any younger and I want to get married and have children.

I won’t say that I’ve thought this way often, but it has crept into my mind every now and again. And, I know that I’m not alone thinking this way. I think the problem, most of the time, is that we really want to work things out between the relationships in our lives. We don’t want to jump in and out of relationships. We want it our way; plain and simple.

I think that we end up forcing something that is probably not meant to be. We just can’t see that it’s not meant to be at that moment because we’re blinded by love, the intimacy, or we’re so consumed in wanting to create a family.

It took me some time, and several relationships, to understand that I should never force a relationship. And, that I should really treasure who I am and never settle to be someone else just so that I can be in a relationship with someone. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-men or a feminist by any means. But, I realize that I have to be in love with myself before I can say that I’m in love with someone else.

Here’s an example:

The other night, five of my closest friends and I congregated at my apartment for dinner, each of us contributing our own dish to the meal. We laughed, caught up on life, enjoyed some amazing food, and giggled as if we were still in college having slumber parties. It’s so great when we get together; as one of them often says, we may not speak on a daily basis, but every time we hang out, it’s like we pick up where we left off.

You see, these are my friends from college. We have history. It’s during college when we find ourselves and where we begin to mature as adults. We’ve experienced good relationships and bad relationships, and have been there for each other through it all. I’d say that we’ve really become improved women from our experiences.

After dinner, we went out to some of the night spots in my neighborhood. At one of the venues, I spotted an ex.

Side note: Now, I always have been the type of person to continue to be friends with someone I’ve had a relationship with in the past. Just because I try to put the bad things behind and give people another chance, at least another chance to just be friends.  This could be good, but it could also be bad.

So, when I saw this ex, I immediately thought of his good characteristics and wanted to say hello and see how he was doing. But, just as I was about to confront him, one of my friends quickly reminded me of all the not-so-good characteristics he portrayed during our friendship and our relationship. She really brought me back to reality. She reminded me not to settle and to think about myself first.

Side note No. 2: My girls definitely have my back!

For just one second there, I was about to go up to him, knowing that he’d probably “woo” me and ask to be back with me. And, then I’d get caught up in the madness, settling and giving him another try (for the third time). But, he walked away and didn’t get a chance to see me. (Phew)

Thinking back at this, I am so proud of myself. Today, as a single woman, there is so much that I’m learning about myself. I’m not consumed with having to put myself last in order to put a spouse or child first. I am all to myself, am able to put myself first and learning to love who I am. And, here’s a snippet of who I am:

I love to wake up early in the morning and drink herbal tea to start the day.

I enjoy the smell of fresh-cut flowers, smoke from tobacco pipes, fresh-cleaned laundry … and gasoline.

My dream home is a yellow house with a white wrap-around porch.

I have a guilty pleasure of indulging in Häagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche ice cream.

These may be random characteristics of myself, and a little strange, but they are a part of what makes up – me. I love men, don’t get me wrong. But, learn to love yourself first, ladies (and gentlemen); it does a body – and mind – good.

My name isn’t Stella, but I feel you girl!

Recently, a day in the life of “me” has consisted of tons of social activities. This is not normal people.

On most days, I’m home, wondering what to do – should I turn to the good ole Lifetime station to see if there are any more suspense-filled movies where the wife, girlfriend, or mistress finds an interesting way to murder the male love interest? Maybe, I’ll try a new recipe – and throw the concoction out later because the look of it makes me want to vomit. Better yet, perhaps I will clean my apartment for the umpteenth time. Most times I just end up sitting on my couch in the living room of my one-bedroom apartment, turn on my Pandora box on the cell and just stare into space. I must say – I do enjoy doing that quite often; it’s one of my most frequent pastimes – NOT.

But, I digress; back to my original statement.

For the past few weeks I’ve been to concerts, traveled, been more outgoing about making new friends, been out clubbin’, and the list goes on and on = I’ve been enjoying life. This all started as my 30th birthday approached. It’s like I had an Aha moment about life and what I want to do with it. I must do everything I want to do – NOW!

In the midst of my Aha mania, I stumbled upon … hmm, let’s call him “Akeem” (think about the movie Coming to America, folks) at a friend’s recent birthday party. Tall, dark and handsome … and from Africa. Although quiet (which may not be so compatible with my personality), he was bold enough to ask me to dance and was attached to my hip the entire night. But, I’m not complaining – us ladies like to have the attention every now and again. And, he was a gentleman; very friendly. Plus he is FWINE, ladies! And, he’s got the carefully chiseled muscles to prove it. Brownie points! Ding, ding, ding!

We’ve hung out a few times since we were first introduced, and I’m getting to know him each time we meet and talk on the phone. He’s a little younger than me (three years younger, to be exact); this combined with the fact that he’s from another country makes me also think of the movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

A scene from the movie, How Stella Got Her Groove Back

Too bad for Terry McMillan, the movie gave a glimpse into her “Crazy Love Escapade-Turned-Finding Out Your Man is on the Down Low” story. Let’s hope I have a better outcome.

I’m interested in seeing how my story with “Akeem” unfolds. Maybe, I’ll be his “Queeeeen toooo beeeee” or maybe he will join me (and my Pandora box) on those blah days in my living room and stare into space with me. Either way, I think I’ll keep him around for a little bit – even if it’s just to just stare and gaze … and/or touch